I use to think that a person showing emotion is strong. I still do. But there’s still a part of me that doubts that emotion. That is desensitized to someone crying out to me. I still don’t trust the tears. I harden when I see them. I pull away. I laugh. I can’t bring myself to trust the tears. I doubt every word coming out of the person’s mouth once a tear forms. Analyze their every moment. Try to see if they’re sincere. I HATE that a part of me still doesn’t know how to trust. I’ve just been trying to undo all the horrible defensive traits that I’ve developed and it’s hard. It’s hard to not live with the screwed up lessons I’ve learnt. It’s hard to not be so defensive. It’s hard to trust that intentions are pure. Because from my prior experience they have never been pure.
I hate that my past lives with me. I hate that I can’t turn it off. I hate that I allowed myself to become the people I surrounded myself with. I hate that I felt the need to be strong. I didn’t need to be strong. I didn’t need to fight back. I didn’t need to prove anything to anybody. I needed to walk away. I needed to not get so wrapped up in a mess that was not mine. My life wasn’t a mess. I tried to save people. I tried to fight demons that weren’t mine. In that process I developed my own. My lack of trust is one of them.
I’ve learnt to walk away. I literally have no problems with anyone. I don’t associate with much people and honestly life is just so much less stressful. Somedays I miss the chaos of it all. I miss the turbulence. But honestly that was no way to live. Everything was in such extremes. It was like a person could love you one day and the smallest thing would make them hate you. That was for so many of my relationships. Relationships should never be that easily expendable. To live like that is childish.
I’m not sure where from, but I once heard a quote that said “the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.” I always remind myself that when I think back to past relationships I had. I no longer carry anger with me. I still don’t forgive certain people for what they’ve done. But I don’t care to harp on their wrong doings. I don’t care. I am just in such a different place in my life. A place where I’m realizing you don’t form connections with people out of convince. You form connections with people who are worth making the effort for. To keep a relationship going you must all be searching for each other.
Search for those people worth the effort. Search for the people who make you a better person. Who don’t make you feel like the smallest word or action can cause an explosion. Search for people who make you feel safe.
I don’t care anymore. I don’t care for opinions. I don’t care for others actions. I don’t care to get mixed up in messes that aren’t mine. I don’t care for the little mistakes I make. I laugh at them. I realized that there are so much more important things in life. And yes I know it sounds super cliche but it’s true. I see so many people caring for approval. I’ve seen so many people so insecure that they feel like they have to fight the world. I use to surround myself with those people. That lived their life like it was a show. I hoped they moved on. I’ve known boys and girls that edit their photos to the point that they were unrecognizable. I’ve seen them wear outfits, makeup and hell even stuff their shoes just to look average. I don’t mean this in a negative way. I’m not trying to down talk anyone. I’m just saying that this whole idea of doing that much for someone other than yourself is a waste of time. Hell most of the things we do for others approval are waste of time.
I think people need to learn to let go. Truly do hope that everyone that came to mind when writing this has moved on from that version of themselves. I know that I’ve definitely moved on from that version of myself.
So to new chapters and so much more self growth.
(I hate that the ending was so cliche.)
Kayla Leanna 