I have so many thoughts in my head that I can’t bring myself to pick on to focus on. It’s like a million different things that I just can’t find the time to do. That’s the thing about life you need to find the time. Actually more so the will. It’s just after everything I do I am just exhausted. I just want a moment to myself without any noise. Without any responsibility. But the only person I’m responsible for is myself. So by putting off the small stuff like painting the trim of my almost completed hallway the only person I’m bothering is myself.
It’s a weird thing being an adult. I’m just now realizing that little things that I do bother myself. Like waiting to after dinner to clean the pan. Who wants to clean a pan after they had a full meal. Leaving a cup in the sink after getting a drink of water overnight. Forgetting to throw away the flowers on the bedside table. Not replacing the refrigerator’s lightbulb. That one really gets me at night. Just a bunch of small stuff that I have to do that I just don’t want to do.
And yes it’s nice to come home and be able to do whatever I want. But sometimes it’s just like what’s the point. But then on the flip side when Eric comes over and spends a few nights it’s fun but things are not exactly how I left it. I realized I LOVE having things exactly how I left it. It is the best thing ever. I never have to question if anyone used anything. It’s just always how I left it.
I really do enjoy my solitude. I have the ability to mute out the whole world once I close those doors. And some nights I enjoy that privilege. I soak in the tub, drink by myself, form these little inside jokes that nobody in the whole world would get. It’s peaceful being alone. Being able to chose who and what you let into your space is my new luxury. Being able to live with myself and actually discover what type of person I am with nobody around is my favorite activity.
I found that I am funny. I am silly. I am clumsy. I may enjoy a bit too much wine while watching cliche shows like Sex in the City. I might cry a little too hard while reading a book. But the most important thing I learned is that the best thing listen to while I clean are documentaries. Preferably true crime docs but I also love a good historical or animal documentary. I honestly love being able to learn about myself away from other people.
I just now realized that not many people get to enjoy this luxury. Not many people can live without someone by their side. For some people this experience is too scary. They may not be ready to live without the distractions of others. They may not be able to live with the person they’ve become. Some people need others.
I’m glad that I am not one of those people. I’m glad that I’m not afraid of my true self.
Kayla Leanna 