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The past year I have spent my time pouring back into myself. I have learnt that the most valuable thing I have is time. I know it sounds super cliche but coming from being in a toxic grind mentality the previous year it is completely true. This past year I’ve done what no sane person would do. I dramatically cut my hours at work which means I voluntary took a dramatic pay cut.

I know finances are the unspoken topic of most social circles but I talk about it very openly. So I went from over six figures to quite a bit less. Which was a struggle at first. I didn’t realize how much I paid to get rid of any problem I had. But in the process of buying happiness I didn’t realize how much I was paying to have a bit of stress free time to myself. I realized I was in this viscous circle of working to support myself and prepare my future and not being able to fully enjoy the things I was purchasing.

I spent so much money furnishings my apartment buying all the fun gadget and linens. Only to spend little to no time enjoying them. I was stressed trying to fit all aspects of life I need to be fulfilled into just a weekend. Sometimes even less than that. It was exhausting and overwhelming.

So when I turned 26 I cut my hours. I now work less than part time. I now actually get to enjoy the fruits of labor and lay on my completely overpriced linens with my unnecessarily expensive pjs and stay up late writing in blog only a little more than a handful of people still read since I am relatively inactive on it.

No but really I have learned that a lot of my previous stress was because I didn’t know how to properly manage my time. I didn’t know the true value of time. It wasn’t until I took my hours back that I learnt how many things I could truly enjoy. Sure at first I was totally milking the whole sleeping in situation. But after the first month or two I got over that. I now wake up as early as 4am. I like the quietness of roads when the sun has yet to rise. I like finishing my workout before most people wake up. Oh yeah that’s also something new. I started to workout. Regularly like at least 3 times a week. Sometimes I do it everyday of the week. It’s insane. I don’t weight lift I just haven’t gotten into that. But cycling, pilates, hikes, swimming and yoga are my new happy place. It’s horrible how excited I get from doing a few laps at a 25 resistance with one leg. Or the laughter I break out in when I’m forcing my body to push through the tiny movements at barre class. I have discovered this love for fitness which I would’ve never been able to pursue if I hadn’t cut my hours. I now spend my time enjoying my finances. I am a active member of several studios and absolutely love working out.

I now enjoy the stillness of life. I enjoy being able to go to the park and read by the water. I enjoy baking desserts from scratch. I enjoy being able to go hang out in the sand for a bit. I get this is not news to most people. Most people would enjoy being able to have a more layback lifestyle. I have truly been blessed to have such amazing people around me that I was able to have such a lifestyle switch. I am just hoping that this next year allows me even more growth. Finger crossed 27 is even better than 26 🤞🏼

Healing from a version of someone that is no longer is a challenging thing. The past you left damage that I’m still uncovering.

I wish I could undo it all.

“You have a boyfriend?”

“yeah”

“How serious is it”

“Going on 2 years so pretty serious.”

It wasn’t serious. I think you knew that.

I know I’m supposed to fix myself but having someone help makes it so much easier.

Their little hugs and kisses save me in ways they don’t even know about.

I’m afraid to leave. To sever connections with the hands that saved me. I love them too much.

Jerks. I love my jerks.

I wonder when did the love start. Did it burst on me or was it gradual.

It was hard being around them when I found out the news. I resented them for a reason nobody could control.

Who could hate something so innocent? They laughed and I fell in love all over again.

Hug them tight. Do it again. They’re laughing. They know nothing but joy from me. I love them.

The past few years have been a whirlwind of emotions and change. I currently have a bit of unexpected time off of work and have had a bunch of time to reflect. I just realized I haven’t had an anxiety attack in so long. I’ve had 4 in the past 2 years. FOURRRR!!! I use to have one almost every week. It’s insane. I am now in a state of calmness and security that I have never been in. I am proud of myself for that growth.

I have managed to find my voice in the work place. I am advocating for myself in so many new ways that I wouldn’t have dared to do before. In the past two years I have increased my salary over 50%. I have managed to make enough to fully support myself. I have come to a point of financial security that I am now able to intentionally cut back my work load 50% and focus on things that help my creative expression shine. I am proud of myself for that growth.

I use to be so afraid of be alone. Being left with my thoughts was a foreign concept. I didn’t even know what I liked or disliked. I tried new things that I thought I would hate. I ended up loving them. I had new experiences and was able to discover who I truly am. I am sure of who I am as a person. I no longer apologize for my thoughts. I am proud of myself for that growth.

I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and only surround myself with people who’s company I actually enjoy. I am proud of myself for that growth.

I am so proud of the person I have become. I feel like sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we should be doing or goals we should’ve accomplished that we forget to realize what we have accomplished. Three years ago I could have never imagined any of these accomplishments. I would’ve thought the dreams that I currently have are too big. Too ambitious. But now seeing how drastically my life changed in two years I will have no problem thinking about houses or sabbaticals. I now set my goal come up with a road map and just start chipping away. I realized when I put my effort into bettering myself instead of others I can accomplish amazing things. I AM INCREDIBLY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT GROWTH!!!!!

My bf waited 6 years for my previous relationship to end. 6 years. I will never doubt his level of patience and persistence. It something that I always have to remind myself when I see him set out a goal. In a way it’s super inspiring. Sometimes I lose sight of my goals. I lose my determination and dedication. I get a little bit too side tracked by the now. By all the fun shiney things and I have to remind myself of my long term goals. A few years ago I would’ve not even have the confidence to set goals for myself let alone share them with other people. But I am super lucky to have a bunch of people that help me achieve my goals. That provide me with the small things I need to achieve these goals.

Sometimes you maybe in a place where your surroundings may not support your ambitions. Sometimes there’s just a little too much doubt in your head but you just have to push through it. You have to sit down and really think about what you want. Set out a simple action plan and just start chipping away.

Recently someone came and asked me for advice on how to advance their career. They were so interesting in learning how to be as confident and blunt in the field we’re in. I didn’t even know that they looked up to me. I didn’t know that I was doing things different than anyone else in my field. I just kept doing what I felt was right for myself and it just worked out. I managed to completely change so many aspects of my life in a relatively short amount of time. I’m honestly just so proud of my growth. I’m so proud of the changes I made and I am certain that the me I was 3 years ago would never have thought anything I’ve done was possible.

Sometimes I fail to see the growth that I made. I think it’s because when I think of growth I think of a drastic change. It didn’t really register that all the small things add up. All those tiny decisions make a drastic change in the long run.

Small changes make a difference.

Memories are such a precious thing. Companies know this so they take and show us memories. On this day….

On this day 2 yrs ago I was out in NYC. I had ramen. Then got dessert from this cute spot called Grace Street. If there you must try the shaved ice and the doughnuts. The brown sugar doughnuts melt and your mouth you won’t regret it.

On this day 3 years ago I was soaking in an epson salt bath. I was covered in bruises. It was so normal to me that I thought it would be cute to document on snapchat.

On this day today I am combining the two. Taking the best from both days and making a new memory. Unfortunately I don’t have the amazing sweets from Grace Street. But I do have some very yummy truffles and a big glass of wine. And due to the lack of bruises I swapped the epson salt out with lavender bubble bath. I added a candle to add a little something new to the mix.

I learned life is about taking the best of every moment you have. Some days it might be hard to find the good in the moments but others it’ll be hard to pick a favorite. Life ebbs and flows. Just try to make the most of what you can. But remember NEVER except less.

The holidays are coming!!! I’m so excited I already have everyone’s gifts picked out. I might tweak a few and time passes but I think I’ve got the majority of them down. Super excited about it. I’m still painting. It’s like a never ending cycle of needing to do just a little more. But I’m going to take the majority of this weekend to try to finish. And when I say “I” I mean we. Eric is really the person who’s been painting. I’ve been a very helpful and controlling assistant. I’m honestly so grateful that he has been helping with all the stuff for my place. If not I would be sinking in task to do. But once I finish painting everything I get to go SHOPPING!!!! Which is always my favorite thing to do.

I need to get the measurements of my spare room so that I know what can fit in it. I have so many ideas on what to do with it. But right now I’m thinking my craft space. A place to sew, knit and just relax. I think I’m going to get a TV to put in there. I’m probably going to get a sleeper to put in there. But before I do all that I need to finish painting it. I also need to finish unpacking. I need to go through everything and throw a bunch of things away. If it’s still siting in boxes at this point I don’t really use it. Maybe I can do that a little at a time after work. I just need to hold myself to it.

I’m so excited for the holidays. My goal is to have my place looking acceptable so that I can decorate for Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas. It is the best time of the year. All the hallmark movies and the fresh pine smell. I can’t wait to wrap all the gifts I get for people. It’s just such a fun time. I need to start buying my Christmas decorations now. I’m literally starting from scratch again. I left all the ones I bought last year in the attic so I need to get everything brand new. But it just gives me a chance to get a bunch of beautiful decorations and handpick each one. As I’m typing this I just realized how expensive that’s going to be. But I mean it’s Christmas. You can’t put a price on Christmas decorations.

I’m going to start ordering some right now. Hopefully I’ll be back soon

Eric and I have a “long distance” relationship. And I would just like to say I’m using the term long distance very loosely. We live in different states and have about an hour commute to each other without traffic. So with our work schedules we mainly see each other on the weekends and sometimes during the week if he works from home at my place. So I dub this phase of our relationship my weekend boyfriend phase.

There are many perks to a weekend boyfriend. At this stage in my life I feel like I need to learn to be independent and figure out who I am. If you read my last post you would see I am really loving my independence. So I get to do everything I want by myself. But then I still get this amazing bond with someone that allows me companionship and intimacy. So I never feel the need to want space. I never feel overwhelmed or suffocated. Another perk is he still helps me with my household chores like carrying in heavy furniture. Painting the whole place. Decorating and meal preps. It’s like the best of both worlds. I can’t help but feel like I have it all.

I’m not use to life feeling this smooth. I’m not use to things working this well. I don’t think I could ever go back to sharing every space with someone. I think I would always need a space that is just my own. Even if it’s just a room. I think I always want the luxury of this amount of privacy. The luxury of being able to close the world out of my space. It’s an incredible experience.

Eric hates the phrase weekend boyfriend. He always says “I’m not your weekend boyfriend, I’m your boyfriend. During the entire week.” So of course I had to title this weekend boyfriend just to poke fun at him. He really is pretty amazing. I feel like you never really appreciate all the small stuff till you see someone else go without those same little things. So here’s to healthy loving relationships in all aspects of life.

I have so many thoughts in my head that I can’t bring myself to pick on to focus on. It’s like a million different things that I just can’t find the time to do. That’s the thing about life you need to find the time. Actually more so the will. It’s just after everything I do I am just exhausted. I just want a moment to myself without any noise. Without any responsibility. But the only person I’m responsible for is myself. So by putting off the small stuff like painting the trim of my almost completed hallway the only person I’m bothering is myself.

It’s a weird thing being an adult. I’m just now realizing that little things that I do bother myself. Like waiting to after dinner to clean the pan. Who wants to clean a pan after they had a full meal. Leaving a cup in the sink after getting a drink of water overnight. Forgetting to throw away the flowers on the bedside table. Not replacing the refrigerator’s lightbulb. That one really gets me at night. Just a bunch of small stuff that I have to do that I just don’t want to do.

And yes it’s nice to come home and be able to do whatever I want. But sometimes it’s just like what’s the point. But then on the flip side when Eric comes over and spends a few nights it’s fun but things are not exactly how I left it. I realized I LOVE having things exactly how I left it. It is the best thing ever. I never have to question if anyone used anything. It’s just always how I left it.

I really do enjoy my solitude. I have the ability to mute out the whole world once I close those doors. And some nights I enjoy that privilege. I soak in the tub, drink by myself, form these little inside jokes that nobody in the whole world would get. It’s peaceful being alone. Being able to chose who and what you let into your space is my new luxury. Being able to live with myself and actually discover what type of person I am with nobody around is my favorite activity.

I found that I am funny. I am silly. I am clumsy. I may enjoy a bit too much wine while watching cliche shows like Sex in the City. I might cry a little too hard while reading a book. But the most important thing I learned is that the best thing listen to while I clean are documentaries. Preferably true crime docs but I also love a good historical or animal documentary. I honestly love being able to learn about myself away from other people.

I just now realized that not many people get to enjoy this luxury. Not many people can live without someone by their side. For some people this experience is too scary. They may not be ready to live without the distractions of others. They may not be able to live with the person they’ve become. Some people need others.

I’m glad that I am not one of those people. I’m glad that I’m not afraid of my true self.