I think people are afraid to admit their flaws. Afraid to let people into their dark corners. I am sometimes. I get terrified of people seeing how brutal I can be. I use to get scared that people would find out I didn’t care about what was important to them. I didn’t care for the lives of their loved ones even if they meant so much to them. I got scared people would think of me as self centered or even narcissistic. I use to think that people would hate me if they discovered that I tuned out of events. That I checked out as they exposed their darkest secrets to me. I never understood why people chose to open up to me. I tried to act like I cared. I tried to be the person they wanted. The support they needed. But I couldn’t do that. I felt so guilty about not living up to that standard. I felt like I was betraying a relationship.
I know how to betray a relationship way too well. How to let a hand linger for too long. I how it feels to more than smile at someone across a room only to pretend you don’t know them. I know how to walk pass them while holding someone else hand.
Betrayal. I use to think that if they did it I could too. I use to think it was harmless. Two can play this game. I liked the power. It was exhilarating. A complete ego trip. I like the revenge. I’m a very vengeful person. I can be honest in that sense. I knew what I was after. I wonder if they felt the same.
I now let people into those “dark corners”. Speak my truth for a lack of better words. I can’t play along anymore. It’s too exhausting. So I say what I mean and mean what I say. At times the truth is harsh.
I was told I was ruthless. Told I could tear someone apart with my words. I have this incredible ability to see peoples insecurities. When I love them I nurture it. I try to fix those cracks that they don’t like. When I don’t love them. I tear them down. I take away the tiny stones that held the wall together. It makes them crumble.
I try to hold me tongue. I try to do good. Try to escape a situation before my mouth admits the truth that I know they can’t handle. But when I can’t escape I aim for the jugular. I’ve been working on controlling that. It’s much better now.
I don’t lie. I don’t really know how. Brutal honesty. I was always the person who’s face gave everything away. Sometimes I get physically ill if I try to keep a secret. I never got sick because of my betrayal. I never had to lie about it. I was never ask. Funny how a person can fail to realize something going on right under their nose.
I think I tried to hide parts of myself. Tried to fit into a shadow that wasn’t mine. Tried to be kind to people I knew didn’t deserve it. Tried to be helpful to people who took more than their allotted amount. I tried to be a good girl. That didn’t work.
I’m not a good girl. I’m not a nice girl. Not a bad or mean girl. I’m just me. To some I’m cruel. To others I’m kind. To myself I’m honest. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. I wanted to be honest. I wanted to let the people that deserved it in. I wanted to keep the people I need to out. I wanted honestly. No secrets. Just me. Not hiding the truth makes life much more freeing.
Kayla Leanna 